I recently had someone reach out to me who I used to work with, and they asked me why we lost touch. If I am honest, this person did not consider her words and would blurt them out, hurting others. It was small, yet offensive, such as not being culturally aware. I observed and began to step aside as I wanted to protect my loved ones from being insulted or judged. This person had no filter, because they had not boundaries for themselves so how can they have boundaries with others. When I gently said, I felt uneasy, was concerned for what she may say hence distanced myself.
The one thing she knows how to do is react, self-defense and attack. I was not trying to judge or hurt rather speak my truth, since she asked. She told me, "Well people did not like you and I would defend you." That is fine, not all people can and should like me/you. I was creating a movement of being trauma informed in an environment/shelter where children needed this from adults. When we create change at a systematic level, people will not like it. I am not always around to be liked, that was not my mission. I also am not around to judge others, that is not my mission.
I learned, my true mission is to be myself, to speak my truth, to no longer play small, yet I can do this with love and consideration for others. Reflecting on my own growth, my own pains. Yes, we can all self-reflect, yet our nervous system needs to be regulated to receive all of this. Since I had not seen this person many years, I knew re-engaging will not be healthy as I saw she was not self-reflective. I had the option of not responding, so I did that for a while, and when another message came through, I was gentle yet still spoke my truth for the purpose of not just setting a boundary but also sharing my feelings.
I invite others to speak their truth and their feelings, hence why I role model myself. My truth, my experience may not be accepted and that is ok. As humans, we all make mistakes, I have had my share and imagine I will continue to make more mistakes. The beauty in making mistakes is growing from them. Seeing the self, having compassion for the self and knowing how to move forward.
It took me years to self-regulate. It does not come natural after childhood trauma. Yet, that is no longer an excuse for me, I became aware, tended to my inner child and now I show up for her and myself. I show up for all parts of me, and when I am unable to regulate, I still have compassion. I no longer have to blame others, I take full responsibility for my experiences, feelings and my actions.
I did that, let her know my experience, my feelings and why my actions were to separate. Not blaming nor judging just sharing my experience and how that made me feel. People may receive this truth of ours or not. And to be fair, it does not mean it is reality, it only means it is MY experience and MY feelings. The recipient will decide what to do with this, according to their experience, their nervous system, their beliefs, their story, yet no longer my responsibility. What I learned is if they share their heart, I am able to see them, if they are defensive, well, it only affirms my experience and feelings of continuing to stay distant. Gosh, life is soo interesting isn't it... Reality is truly never reality is it...